Building to Deal with Grief

Recently, I've been dealing with the death of a dear friend. A friend who was my boyfriend for six years, Tyler Kohut. In the six years we were together, we had our moments of bliss and moments of conflict, like all relationships. I've missed Tyler's friendship for a long time. It's been six years since we parted ways, but now I miss him because the other half who shared his life with me, at one point, is gone. I haven't been able to talk or write about the past, and quite frankly don't know why I'm typing these words right now. It's a form of therapy, I guess. I find that when I feel heartache, my hands ache. I do not register pain in my chest, but in my hands. This past week, I was able to engage in some physical therapy to ease the ache in my hands.

From May 23rd to May 27th, twenty one seniors, Mark Isley and I traveled two hours south to My Tho, Vietnam to build two houses with Habitat for Humanity. 

This is my group of seven students: Jenny, Patrizia, Thao, Ha My, Dai, AP, and Bryan. If you look at the background you can see the beginnings of the house we built. Throughout the week, we built three walls, one bathroom, smashed rocks with hammers to cover the floor, and mixed and dumped mortar to create the foundation. Every day, we looked as if we were survivors of a monsoon. Sweat dripped from the top of our heads, down to our mouth--good salt lick--and our clothes were sopping wet. Our socks were wet, our gloves were wet, our shoes were wet. But, we loved every moment of it. Building, working, sweating, physically moving to create something, a house for someone else, quiets the mass of negative emotions, guilt, grief, and pain that we all struggle with, in our own way. I loved the moment where AP cackled and shouted while smashing rocks. He said he was going to open up his own therapy office with a room of rocks where his patients could smash them. And smash them we did. There's nothing like smashing rocks to wake your mind up and make you feel alive. 

I discovered new talents along the way. I believe there's a machine to straighten rebar, but not in Nam. Here, we straighten rebar with our hands. The first time I straightened rebar, it looked like a snake or the Saigon river, but my second try was a success, or at least compared to the first. Building is so different than grading papers and being part of the writing process. Writing is a work in progress, and I enjoy being part of the student process, but when you build, you can see a finished work right in front of your eyes. To look at a wall and say, "I built that" gives you, gives me, a sense of accomplishment. 

At the end of our build, we were able to present our work to the home owners. Habitat for Humanity expects the home owners to take part in the building process. The man holding the picture of our group, in the center, is the homeowner of this structure. At the end of our week, he thanked us for our work and was proud that he was a major part of the process. I was so impressed with his building skills and the help he gave us while wearing flip-flops! One impressive man. 

In addition to building, there were also beautiful moments of bonding where we all ate lunch together, told jokes, walked through the city, waited for the bus... One of my favorite moments was eating dinner with one of our SSIS student's family. The meal was delicious, and the most memorable dish was the snake stew. If you look closely at the picture, you can see the snake skin, and at the back of the spoon is a snake egg. Delicious and a little frightening, to be honest.

Every student worked hard, slept hard, and ate a lot of food during our trip. We bonded, gave back to our community, and supported each other for five days. It was just like summer camp, but with back pain and heat exhaustion! All joking aside, this was one of those life changing trips that I know I will never forget. 

The pain of losing Tyler is shared by many. I know people all around the world are celebrating his creative spirit and cunning sense of humor. I know that dealing with death is an ebb and flow of emotion, but I also know that I deal best when helping others with my hands. So this, is what I will continue to do.